


Somebody Else's Arms

by tabbytabbytabby



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Because Eddie Is A Bit Of An Idiot, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Denial of Feelings, Eddie Diaz & Carlos Reyes friendship, Feelings Realization, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutually Unrequited, Not Buddie Endgame, Protective Bobby Nash, Teasing, Unhappy Ending, at least for one of them, just at different times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:09:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27624536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbytabbytabby/pseuds/tabbytabbytabby
Summary: When Eddie decides the best decision is to move back to Texas, Buck doesn't take it well. He drops a bomb on Eddie that sends him reeling. Confused and scared, Eddie packs up his and Christopher's things and leaves for Texas without even a goodbye. Two years later, Eddie comes to a realization about that night and his feelings for Buck. Except when Eddie goes back to LA to tell Buck how he feels, it's not the outcome he was expecting, and he realizes he's too late.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Josh Russo
Comments: 24
Kudos: 177





	Somebody Else's Arms

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ithinkwehaveanemergency](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithinkwehaveanemergency/gifts).



> For Adri, who wanted this little bit of angst, and I couldn't resist writing it.
> 
> Title from Somebody's Else's Arms by Armor For Sleep.

Asking for help has never been one of Eddie's best attributes. In fact, it's one of the things he's worst at. At least according to numerous people in his life. 

Which is why it takes him so long to get to the point where he is now. Sitting at the table in his kitchen, surrounded by papers on the table in front of him. Bills. Most of the papers are bills. Bills he has no idea how he's supposed to pay. Not with his finances in the gutter the way they are. 

He's been trying to pull himself out of debt, but there are only so many extra shifts he can take without running himself ragged. And all the time away from home isn't fair to Christopher. He knows that. 

He also knows what he's going to have to do if he wants to get out of this. It's not something he likes. In fact, he hates it. But he doesn't have a choice. 

He looks up at the sound of footsteps coming closer to see Buck entering the room. "You look a little lost," Buck says, taking the seat next to him. 

Eddie sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "I feel lost."

Buck frowns, "Anything I can do to help?"

Eddie shakes his head, "No, you've done more than enough. I don't know what I would have done these past few months without you helping out with Christopher."

"Yeah of course." Buck shrugs as if it's no big deal. To him it probably is. "You know I love that kid. I'd do anything for him. For both of you."

"I know." Eddie looks down, and his eyes land on the bills again. He rubs a hand down his face. "That's what makes this so hard."

"Makes what so hard?"

"I'm going back to Texas, Buck."

He looks up to see Buck's face pinched in confusion. "To visit?"

"No, to live," Eddie says. "I need to be closer to my parents right now. As much as I hate it. I need their help. Everything has been so overwhelming lately, especially financially. So I just need…"

"I could help," Buck says, quickly speaking over him. "I could get help with the bills and whatever else."

"I can't ask you to do that," Eddie says. 

"You're _not_ ," Buck says. He reaches out and takes Eddie's hand, causing Eddie to look up at him. Eddie wishes he hasn't. Buck's eyes are wide and pleading. "I want to help, Eddie. I want you to stay. Please."

"Buck…"

"Eddie I can't have someone else I love just walk away.”

Eddie inhales sharply, "Buck…"

"Please," Buck begs. "Please, Eddie. I love you. Just stay."

Before Eddie can respond, Buck is surging forward and kissing him. Eddie sits frozen as Buck's lips move against his. There’s nothing he can do. He can’t move. He can barely remember to breathe. 

Buck pulls back, his eyes searching Eddie's face. "Eddie?"

Eddie takes a steadying breath and pushes his chair back and gets to his feet, putting some space between him and Buck. 

"You should go," Eddie says calmly. 

Buck stands up and moves to step closer. Eddie backs up and Buck frowns. "I'm sorry. I should have asked you first. I just…"

"Go," Eddie says again, louder this time. 

"Eddie…"

"Just… please Buck," Eddie says. He sounds tired, even to himself.

"Are we okay?" Buck asks him. He sounds so sad. So uncertain. Eddie wishes he could say something to reassure him. But the words won't come. Everything is a jumbled mess inside his head. Buck must take his silence as a negative because his shoulders slump and he looks away. "Can I at least say goodnight to Christopher?"

"Of course," Eddie says. He's not going to deny either of them that. Not knowing that this is probably the last time they'll see each other for a while. 

Buck nods and sets off down the hallway, once again leaving Eddie alone. Eddie rests his head against the wall and closes his eyes, trying to get control of his racing thoughts. He’s not sure what he’s supposed to be feeling right now. He’s confused, more than anything. And honestly a little pissed that Buck would throw this at him in the middle of all this chaos. But he knows Buck. He knows he has issues about being left. Eddie can’t _blame_ him, but he still hates this whole thing.

Footsteps in the hall have Eddie tensing as he turns to face him. Buck steps closer, but there’s still space between them. Space there hasn’t been in a long time. Eddie is equally relieved and disappointed by it. Buck’s head is ducked and his hands shoved into the pockets of his coat. He rubs a socked toe over the tile of the kitchen floor and sighs.

Neither speak for a while. Eddie isn’t even sure what he’s supposed to say. He cares for Buck. So much. But love? He’s not sure. He’s never loved anyone apart for Shannon, and sometimes he wonders if that had really been love either. 

“Buck-”

“Look Eddie-”

They both chuckle nervously and Buck nods his head, “You go. I think I’ve caused enough damage tonight.”

“You’re my best friend,” Eddie says softly. “But I…”

“You don’t have to explain yourself,” Buck says. “You don’t feel the same way. I get it. It was long shot, just a desperate attempt to convince you to stay.”

“It won’t be forever,” Eddie says, but even as he says the words, he doesn’t know if they’re true. He’s half afraid that once he goes back to Austin he’ll never find his way back out. Not that he’s going to admit that to Buck. “And there are things like telephones.”

“Yeah Christopher will just have to teach you to use one,” Buck teases.

Eddie rolls his eyes. The lighthearted comment breaks some of the tension, and Eddie moves forward, pulling Buck in for a hug. “I’ll miss you, man.”

Buck’s arms wrap around him, his hands moving up and down his back. It’s not something new for them. But after Buck’s confession and the kiss, Eddie’s head is still spinning, aware of every point of contact and what it could mean. Buck’s face is tucked against his neck, his warm breath blowing across his skin, and Eddie has to suppress a shiver when his lips brush across his skin when he speaks. “I’ll miss you.”

Eddie pulls back and puts some distance between them again. He clears his throat and runs a hand through his hair. “Well I should get packing.”

“I could help,” Buck offers.

Eddie shakes his head, “No. You go get some sleep. You have an early shift tomorrow.”

“Yeah we do,” Buck says. “You’re going to be dead on your feet between all the packing and working.”

Eddie gives him a tight smile, “I’ll manage.”

Buck claps his shoulder and walks to the door, where he stops to slip his shoes on. Eddie watches him, knowing that this is probably the last time he’ll see Buck for a while. Before Buck can leave, Eddie hugs him again, drawing a laugh from Buck. “Night Eddie.”

“Goodbye Buck.”

Buck’s brow furrows. He looks like he’s about to say something else, but then he shakes his head, and gives Eddie a tight smile. “Yeah, see you later Eddie.”

Buck leaves and Eddie shuts and locks the door behind him. He waits until he hears Buck’s Jeep pulling away before acting. He moves down the hall to his room and starts packing in a hurry. He’s not thinking. He just knows he needs to get away from here, and the sooner and the better. He only packs the things he knows they’ll need, first in his room, and then quietly in Christopher’s as he slumbers on.

Eddie feels a little guilty. He knows it’s not fair to leave this suddenly without saying goodbye. But every time he thinks of staying, the tight grip on his chest tightens, making it harder to breathe. He knows what it is. He’s gone through enough therapy sessions to know the term pretty damn well by now. _Anxiety_. 

He’s afraid. Everything is too much. Too jumbled, and Eddie just can’t stay here. It’s doubtful his parents will relieve that anxiety completely. In fact, they’ll probably make it worse in a number of ways. But he knows what even just getting away will make it easier just to breathe again. So he keeps packing.

He has most of his and Christopher’s things loaded up and ready before the sun has even risen. Christopher grumbles in his arms as Eddie lifts him out of bed and carries him out to the truck. He takes one last look back at the house. The house that has become his home over the past three years. With a deep breath he turns away. He drives out of town, feeling the grip on his chest ease up the further he goes.

* * *

**2 Years Later**

“Chris!” Eddie calls from the kitchen. “Christopher! Come on! Dinner!”

“Coming!” Christopher calls back.

“You said that five minutes ago,” Eddie tells him. 

“Ugh,” Christopher says, walking into the kitchen. He’s on his phone still, and barely looks up at Eddie as he takes his seat at the table. “I’m doing something.”

Eddie raises an eyebrow, “Excuse me? Didn’t we have the rule of no phones at the table?”

“Uh huh.”

“And?” Eddie says, nodding his head towards the device in Christopher’s hand.

Christopher sighs and puts the phone aside, “It’s fine when you do it.”

“I don’t do it often,” Eddie says.

“Yeah because you don’t have anyone to talk to,” Carlos teases, knocking their shoulders together on his way past him with the salad.

“I have plenty of people to talk to,” Eddie says.

Carlos raises an eyebrow as he takes his seat next to Christopher and across from Eddie, “Oh yeah?” he turns to Christopher. “Does your dad have secret friends I don’t know about?”

Christopher shrugs, “You’re the only one he talks to besides my grandparents. And Abuela and Pepa.”

“That isn’t true!” Eddie argues.

“It’s okay, Eddie,” Carlos says, handing him the bowl of salad. “You’ll find someone one day.”

“Yes, make fun of the perpetually single guy,” Eddie says, rolling his eyes.

“You didn’t have to be,” Christopher says.

Eddie stills with tongs over his plate, “What?”

“You could have had Buck,” Christopher says.

The tongs slip from his hand and clatter against the plate, loud in the suddenly quiet room. Eddie fights to find his tongue again. “Christopher, what are you talking about?”

“You _know_ ,” Christopher says, shrugging. “Buck loved you and you left him.”

“Where did you hear that?” Eddie asks. “Did Buck tell you that?”

“No, but I heard Aunt Hen and Uncle Chimney talking about it when they visited last year,” Christopher says. He frowns at Eddie. “Is that really why we left?”

“No,” Eddie says, trying to regain control of his suddenly racing heart. “That’s not why we left, buddy. It’s… it’s complicated. But I needed help from grandpa and grandma.”

“Do you miss him?” Christopher asks.

The simple question feels like a slap. He sits back in his seat, forgetting all about his meal. He’s aware of Carlos doing his best to remain casual as he eats across from him. “Of course I miss him.”

“Then why don’t you talk to him?” Christopher asks.

“I do talk to him,” Eddie says. “Maybe not as much as I used to because we’ve been busy but...“ He shakes his head. “No, you know what? I’m not talking about this with my 12 year old.”

“I’m almost thirteen,” Christopher says. And yeah, Eddie doesn’t need that reminder that his son is about to be a teenager. “I’m not dumb, Dad.”

“Buddy I never said you were,” Eddie says.

“Why couldn’t you have just told him you loved him so we could stay?” Christopher asks.

“Because I don’t feel that way, buddy,” Eddie says. “And that’s okay. People don’t always…”

“Don’t you?” Christopher cuts in. Eddie’s stops, mouth hanging open. “You haven’t dated anyone since we moved here.”

“That doesn’t…” Eddie stops and takes a breath. “Let’s just eat our dinner, okay?”

Christopher shrugs, “If you say so.”

They eat the rest of their dinner in silence. When they’re done, Christopher goes back to his room and Eddie takes the dishes into the kitchen. He starts absently washing them, barely noticing when Carlos joins him next to the sink and starts rinsing and drying them. 

“So that was not the interesting dinner I was expecting when I came to visit,” Carlos says.

“Yeah I wasn’t expecting it either,” Eddie admits. 

“Seems like it’s given you a lot to think about,” Carlos muses.

“What?”

“Come on, Eddie,” Carlos says. “You look shell shocked.”

“No I don’t.”

“You really telling me you haven’t realized it?” Carlos asks.

“What are you talking about?” Eddie asks, handing the last plate over to him. 

Carlos dries it and puts it away before turning back to Eddie. “You need to figure this out. I was hoping on your own, but it doesn’t seem like you’re getting there.”

“What’s to figure out?” Eddie asks. “Chris is a kid. He doesn’t….”

“Kids are observant,” Carlos says. “Especially yours, and you know that. But I think the truth of it all scares you now as much as it scares you then.”

The truth. What truth? 

_You know_ , a voice in his head tells him. It sounds achingly familiar despite the fact that Eddie hasn’t heard it in well over a year. _You knew then and you know now_.

“What exactly happened with you and Buck?” Carlos asks.

“I told him I was leaving and he asked me to stay,” Eddie says. 

“And?”

“He told me he loved me and then kissed me,” Eddie says. The memory of that moment is still vivid as ever. It’s one that Eddie has replayed so many times.

“What did you do?” Carlos asks.

“I didn’t react the best way at first,” Eddie admits. “I told him to leave. But I was confused. And angry. There was so much going on.”

Eddie tries to think of how it felt to have Buck tell him he loves him. How it felt to kiss him. While Eddie had sat there frozen, for a moment, all he’d wanted to do was let himself give into it and kiss him back. To lose himself in the feeling of being Buck’s arms. And that had terrified him. Because Buck was his best friend. And relationships are messy and hard and usually end in disaster. And anything more with Buck would cost them everything. He didn’t want to lose Buck. But…

“I lost him anyway,” he whispers.

“What?” Carlos says. “What are you talking about?”

“I couldn’t let myself love him because I didn’t want to lose him,” Eddie says. “But I left and I lost him anyway. And I…” 

Eddie thinks of Buck’s bright smiles. Of the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed. How he’d always press a little too close, but Eddie never minded. He always craved the contact. How Buck was always there, and when he wasn’t Eddie felt wrong. How his stomach always flipped when Buck would smile at him a certain way and step into his space and god… there were times Eddie had thought of kissing him, but it had been in passing. He never let himself really think about it. Or what anything he felt meant. If he had he’d known he...

Eddie laughs, putting a hand over his mouth as he feels tears stinging at his eyes, as the realization hits him. “I love him.”

“Well that certainly took you long enough to admit,” Carlos says.

“You’ve known?”

“Dude, you talked about him _all the time_ ,” Carlos says. “All your stories from LA involved Buck in some way. It wasn’t hard to figure out. But it was clear you hadn’t realized it. Yet at least.”

“2 years too late,” Eddie says.

“You sure about that?” Carlos asks. “The guy loved you, and that doesn’t just go away.”

“It’s been two years,” Eddie says.

“Do you still love him?”

“I do.”

“Then I think you owe it to yourself to try,” Carlos says.

“What? Now?”

“Why not?”

“Because I have a son,” Eddie says. “I can’t just fly off to LA on a whim.”

“I can watch him,” Carlos shrugs.

“Seriously?” Eddie asks. “Don’t you have to get back to Austin?”

“I do, but I have a few more days I can take off,” Carlos says.

“My parents will help,” Eddie says. He pulls out his phone and starts looking at flights. It’s crazy, probably, but he has to know one way or another. Buck took a chance on him two years ago, and Eddie owes it to them both to at least tell him how he feels, no matter the outcome. 

“And hey,” Carlos says. “If this doesn’t work out the offer still stands for the job at the 126.”

“Now I’m starting to wonder if you’re hoping this blows up in my face,” Eddie teases.

“I just want you to be happy,” Carlos says. “And think once you do this, whatever the outcome, you can finally work towards that.”

Eddie nods, “I think you’re right.”

“You’re going to see Buck?” Christopher asks. 

Eddie raises an eyebrow. “Have you been listening?”

“Not long,” Christopher shrugs. “Are you going to see Buck?”

“I’m going to try,” Eddie says. 

“You’ve got this,” Christopher tells him.

Eddie really hopes he’s right. 

He’s going on hope and adrenaline the whole way to the airport and as he boards the flight. His nerves start in as the flight takes off, and he’s left alone with his thoughts. He tries to sleep and read, anything to distract himself. It’s crazy that he’s doing this. He wouldn’t blame Buck if he laughed in his face. But then there’s the scarier possibility of Buck telling him he still loves him. Surely, he does. Buck’s not one to give up on someone he loves. Eddie just hopes he’s still one of those people.

Eddie’s hopes are high as his flight lands in LA and he gets his rental car. It’s only when he gets on the road that Eddie realizes he doesn’t know where Buck is right now. Does he go to his apartment? No, he’d heard from Chimney that Buck had moved at the end of last year and he doesn’t have his new address. Which means there’s only one place he can try. 

It’s not exactly the ideal place for a big talk like this, but Eddie doesn’t have a lot of options. He’ll just get Buck alone and he’ll explain himself and then if things go his way Buck will tell him he loves him too and they’ll get a redo of that kiss. 

And things will work out the way he hopes. He’s sure of it.

He smiles as he steps out of the car, the warmth of the LA sun almost like a welcome as he steps into it. There’s a skip in his step as he walks towards the station that he once thought of as a second home. He stops when he walks in, taking in the familiar surroundings. He really has missed this place, but more so the people. He’s about to head towards the stairs when he sees someone else walking in. Josh Russo. He’s whistling as he walks, and hasn’t noticed Eddie.

"Where's that boyfriend of mine?" Josh calls, his voice echoing through the firehouse. Boyfriend? Who the hell is Josh dating here at the 118?

There's laughter from upstairs before Hen calls down to him, "Oh no. What's that boy done this time?"

"He forgot his lunch," Josh says, holding up a black lunchbox.

There's a quietly muttered "oh shit," before Buck's head pops into view. Eddie hastily ducks behind the ambo out of view. He peeks his head out in time to see Buck bounding down the stairs. He grins sheepishly at Josh and takes the lunchbox from him. 

"Sorry."

Part of Eddie still doesn't register what's happening. Not until Josh wraps his arms around Buck's waist and draws him in. "Are you really?"

Buck nods, "I am."

"You know this is the fifth time you've done this just this month," Josh says. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were doing it on purpose."

Buck grins and hooks his arms behind Josh's neck. "Maybe I am."

"Now why would you do a thing like that, Evan?" Josh says, clearly teasing him. 

Buck's smile softens as he leans in closer, "Maybe I just want to see you." 

He kisses Josh, something soft and sweet. Nothing like the desperate way he'd kissed Eddie. Because this isn't the same Buck, Eddie is realizing. Sure, he's the same person in all the ways that matter. But he's different. There's a lightness to his shoulders Eddie can't remember seeing. And he seems so sure as he talks to Josh. As if he knows no matter what he says, Josh will be there. And isn't that what he always wanted? To have someone care about him enough to stay?

The lunchbox falls to the floor and startles Eddie back to reality. It draws a laugh from Buck, who continues to place light kisses to Josh's lips, cheek, nose. 

"Well there goes your lunch," Josh chides.

"Hmm too bad," Buck says, not looking the least bit sorry. "Guess you'll just have to stay and eat with us."

"Is that right?"

Buck nods, "Yep. You know Cap would never let you leave here hungry when there’s food to eat here."

Josh raises an eyebrow, "Is it done?"

"Not yet. Which means we'll just have to occupy ourselves." Buck grins and moves back. He takes Josh's hands in his and starts backing towards the back, where Eddie knows from experience is where the beds are. 

Eddie has to move to stay out of sight, as they start to pass right by where he's hiding.

"Hey," Buck says suddenly, pulling them to a stop. 

"Yes?"

Eddie watches with his heart on his throat as Buck leads down and kisses Josh again, staying close as he murmurs against his lips, "I love you."

The words sent a jolt through Eddie. He says them so freely, so openly, as if there's no doubt in his mind that Josh loves him back. 

"I love you too, Evan."

A far too familiar feeling pierces through Eddie's chest. Something hot and aching. He's hit with the realization that he's missed his chance. All throughout the interaction with Josh, Eddie still felt some form of hope. It was a selfish thought, to think that he could come in here and sweep Buck away.

But now…

"He's happy, Eddie," Bobby says.

Eddie's not surprised to see him standing behind him. It was only a matter of time before someone noticed him. 

"I know," Eddie says softly. 

"He was devastated after you left," Bobby continues. "He threw himself into work. Barely went out."

"Are you trying to make me feel bad?" Eddie asks.

"I'm trying to make you understand," Bobby says. "Buck was in a bad place, but he pulled himself out of it. He's moved on. He's let himself be happy. So now _you_ need to let him. Don't try to ruin this for him."

"That's not why I'm here," Eddie says.

Bobby raises an eyebrow, "No?"

"I had a lot of time to think while I've been gone," Eddie tells him. "About who I am. What I want. I love him, Bobby. But I'm not… I'm not here to ruin anyone's life. Buck's happy and clearly in love. He deserves to be. I won't mess that up."

As hard as it is, it’s the truth. He’s not the kind of asshole to just show up and ruin someone’s life like that. Sure, he loves Buck, but it’s too little, too late. It’s more than clear Buck doesn’t love him anymore. And Eddie has to be okay with that.

Bobby nods, "For the record, it is good to see you again. I'm just…"

"You're protecting Buck. I get it."

"How long are you in town?" Bobby asks. 

"Well that was going to depend on what I found here," Eddie says. "But I can see there's no place for me. At least not now. So I don't know. I got a job offer at a station in Austin. My buddy Carlos knows the Captain. He’s dating his son. I've heard they're a hell of a team. "

Bobby nods, "Yeah I know one of the guys there. I think you'll be in good hands. But Eddie..."

"Yeah?"

Bobby claps a hand on his shoulder and meets his eyes. "You'll always have a place here if you want it."

Eddie's eyes drift towards the back, where he knows Buck and Josh have gone. He remembers how happy Buck had been as they ran off. It wouldn’t be fair to come back now.

He shakes his head, "Thanks Cap, but I think it's time I found my place someplace else."

"You're a good man, Eddie," Bobby says. "Just don't be a stranger, huh?"

Eddie nods, "I'll make sure to bring Chris for a visit."

"You better."

Bobby squeezes his shoulder and walks back upstairs, leaving Eddie standing there behind the ambulance alone. 

Eddie takes a deep breath, shoves his hands in his pockets, and walks back out into the sunshine. It doesn’t feel as bright as it beams down on him now. His step is a little less jolly. It’s not until he reaches the rental and slides inside that he takes a breath. 

“Eddie!”

Eddie looks up to see Buck standing at the doors of the station. His face is unreadable. Bobby says something to him and Buck shakes his head. Eddie raises his hand in a wave and Buck does the same. He doesn’t walk over, and Eddie doesn’t either. It’s for the best. 

And Buck turns away and steps into Josh’s arms, Eddie smiles a sad smile. “Be happy Buck,” he whispers. But Buck is already gone, disappearing back into the firehouse, with his boyfriend and the life he has here. One that no longer involves Eddie.

And all Eddie can think as he drives away is that he has no one to blame for the ache in his heart but himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos/comments make my day 💜  
> Anyone that's interested, there is a planned Buck's POV/Jevan sequel to this. Because I gave myself needs.  
> You can find me [here on tumblr](http://tabbytabbytabby.tumblr.com/)


End file.
